Hastening the Disabled into the Arms of our Lord

Of course we all feel jolly sorry for the mentally ill. You can see it in this sincere photo that I understand how hard it can be to suffer from depression. This is my sad face.

No-one should have to live feeling depressed, so we've decided to make sure no-one will. If you don't engage with the treatment we deem is essential, we'll be removing your benefits. That's right... loony shirkers will no longer get housing benefit, incapacity benefit, or money for food and bills. If you fail to get well, clearly, you haven't tried hard enough.

Some, I am sure, may commit suicide due to the added pressure our policies bring. Starvation, homelessness and a lack of shelter in inclement weather will hasten the end for those unprepared to make the ultimate self-sacrifice.

Look on the bright side though, if you're dead, you won't be moping about and I won't have to reconsider giving back the 5% tax cut given to my rich chums... and that would depress me!

The Archbishop Dave
(On Sunday's service, we'll welcome any donations of razor blades which can be collected free of charge from a Benefits Office near to you - ask for your Conservative Charity in Action pack!)

Our Saviour in Art

This Sunday, after morning service, we'll be holding a special art exhibition celebrating the life of our saviour and the second coming.

Modern Conservative Christians believe in the holy trinity of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Greengrocer's Daughter.

Some of us see our Lady Maggie as a prophet, and her holy scripture which our bible refers to as Thatcherism informs the enlightenment which many of us strive to follow. Others see her brief time with us as the second coming and her message of market forces, consumerism and the self before society as the building blocks of spiritual ideology for the age of Aquarius.

A number of paintings have been commissioned, kindly paid for by the tax payer, to celebrate her life and ascent to heaven. We invite you to join us in a morning of reverence.

There will be a small charge of £1,000 at the door. Coffee and biscuits included in the admission price. MPs can claim the entrance fee as Parliamentary expenses.

Father Ian speaks out

Father Ian defends the church

Conservative Christians must once again speak out against the media and its left wing, satanic agenda.

Bad enough that the BBC aired the Black Adder series which ridiculed our Etonian chums as bumbling, out of touch buffoons whose incompetent strategies saw the deaths of millions. I would like to thank Brother Gove for attacking those socialist lies. Worse is media criticism of our crusade against the evil welfare state which was intended by Labour to send you all to hell!

The BBC are not alone in their capricious lies. They, and others in the media, continue to push scandalous propaganda attacking our welfare and benefit cuts. This is clearly the work of the devil.

James said "Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and inherit the kingdom he promised".

Wealth is a barrier to the kingdom of god, and selflessly, I and my colleagues are taking that burden from you. The more benefits you have, the less poverty you experience. This is why, at the heart of Conservative policy, we are helping more and more parishioners into poverty.